Strange Time
Photo by Dario Shevtsova
4/26/21
Time is strange.
Some nights I go through old pictures, like tonight, for SO LONG.
I look at myself: my style, my hair, my emotion, my spark, or lack thereof.
I can remember the feeling of the moment captured in time. The joy or the stress. The silliness or the pain.
It’s sweet and sorrowful. It’s all in the past.
And I know just as I’ve taken pictures this week, like all weeks and years past, soon I’ll be looking back on THEM, just remembering.
And it reminds me of the power of now. The eternal moment in the present.
As I write, I can’t help but note that these scribbles, too, will soon be a memory.
Our minds jump forward and backward and in circles and in a panic and they overthink and overestimate and catastrophize and then spin until the outline of my brain starts to burn in my head.
I want it to stop. But I also don’t. Cuz I know if it stops—that means I’m dead.
I just want a little more silence, more relaxation, more daydreaming and enjoying and visualizing and stillness and play and authenticity. I want to be like a child that never thinks about capitalism or business licenses or cleaning out the shed or paying a mortgage.
But I can also do all of that AND still be like a child.
I CAN function AND not worry about my health or having anxiety, or worrying about what I wear or desiring to “look the part.”
I just want to be me.
To want what I want. To say what I think. To do what I really mean and to never let fears and doubts keep me from seeing myself fully.
The fam left on sat. I picked up Nestley (family dog). On friday, nes fainted and peed and went to the vet. They said everything looked ok, she went home. But she did it again when she was with me at the park. I took her to the vet and they kept her all night.
Something went wrong with her heart, a mass of blood. Rach chose to do a surgery, she’s doing better now.
I pray she’s healthy and happy until Rach gets home. It was a hard weekend. Intense. On top of all of it, Steven is moving in. I’m excited. I’m cleaning the closets out, making room. I sold some stuff on facebook. The weather’s been amazing, I’m eager to get the lawn cleaned up.
But I also just want to be here now.
Writing in my bed. 2 pups sleeping close by. The fan on since the house is so warm from the sun all day.
Tan lines and dirty floors.
Goodwill bags accumulating.
Only 3 sleeps left living alone in this house.
Time is so strange.
