The Self Coaching Model
Photo by RetroSupply
Today I’m going to teach you the only tool you’ll ever need to solve all of your problems.
I’m serious.
The utility of this tool is the difference between you being in control of your brain, and your brain being in control of you. It’s the difference between an organized mind and a disorganized one. When you use this tool you are actively managing your own mind, you are more self-aware, and you become the stable adult you have always needed. This is something you can begin practicing today to help relieve some unnecessary suffering in your life.
To use the model, you must separate out and categorize the running narratives in your brain. You need to be a stickler about these categories. Never mistakenly place a thought in the circumstance line, never put a feeling in the thought line. Make sure you clearly understand where each item goes. The categories are explained below:
The Self Coaching Model— C, T, F, A, R
Circumstance: This is where we place the facts of our stories. Facts are objective, they include ZERO trace of our own opinions or preferences. Everyone in the world should agree on what is put in this line. So it can never have stuff like: “He was cruel to me.” That is waaaay too subjective. What does cruel even mean? Does he believe he was being cruel? Maybe not. Here are some examples of correctly placed facts: “My dog peed on the carpet. My husband said the words, ‘I want a divorce.’ My grandpa died today.” Only facts here. And facts are neutral. Which means they do not and cannot create our emotions. Only our thoughts do that. Let me show you.
Thought: YES! Here is where you place allllll your opinions. All the subjectivity goes here. “My boss is the worst. She was a bitch to me. I’m sad. My clothes are ugly. My nose is huge. I should work out more.” And on and on. It’s important that we recognize the difference between a thought and a fact. Thoughts are completely optional and we have a say in the ones we choose to give our energy to. I’m not going to emphasize this enough, our thoughts control and create everything in our lives. We can’t spend enough time working on our thinking and choosing thoughts consciously. Most of us are really terrible about mistaking our thoughts for facts. Our thoughts are not facts. Knowing how to decipher this one truth is the difference between suffering internally, and feeling internally liberated.
Feeling: An emotion is simply a vibration in our body. They are harmless. The less afraid we are of our emotions, the more likely we are to become successful, fearless, badasses. Our feelings begin with a thought in our brain and then sent to the body. (On the contrary, a sensation, like pain, begins in the body and is sent to the brain.) People like to say, “I feel like, ….” and then complete that sentence with a thought. A thought is never a feeling. It is a sentence in your mind. Only ONE word will go in this line. And that one word will be an emotion. Sad. Guilty. Joyful. Excited. Embarrassed. Again, most of us aren’t super connected to or aware of our own emotions. We usually clump them all into two categories: generally good or generally bad. This is no way to live. The more specific we get with which emotion is which, the more power and control we have over what we want to feel intentionally. So if you’re thinking, “My coworker hates me.” You might feel shame when you think that. Which is very different than sad or guilty. It’s so important we begin to master and understand what we are feeling emotionally, and even more so that we can begin to recognize which thought is causing the feeling.
Action: This is where we write down our behavior. When we feel sad, what do we do? Stay in our beds and not get anything done? Binge drink? Yell at our mothers? Our feelings DRIVE all of our behavior. So if you never have any idea what you are feeling, you probably aren’t conscious of why you do the things that you do. You probably feel a little bit out of control when it comes to your daily habits and choices. You want to go work out but you don’t understand why you keep skipping it and eating chips instead. I’ll tell you why: it’s because you want to avoid the emotion you are feeling in that moment instead of processing it. And the emotion you are feeling in that moment is caused by a thought you are thinking (whether it’s conscious or not). Boom. Roasted. So in the model you have to put down whatever you did or didn’t do when you were feeling something. Procrastinate, sleep in, argue with someone, cheat, lie, scroll online, watch tv, etc. Like a movie set, put everything here that happens after they shout, “action!”
Result: Results are just that, our outcomes and consequences to all of the above. They are the culminating results of what we have chosen to think, feel, and do about it all. The last category has three ways of presenting itself. First, it could be a result that is an exact match of our thought. Example: you’re thinking, “I’m wasting my time.” And your result is just that, you ARE wasting your time when you think that thought. It matches the thought and proves it true. Second, it could be a reflection of the self. Example: your sister said words and you think, “she’s so incredibly mean.” But the result is actually that YOU are being mean when you think about her in this way. This is a form of projection. We always have to turn our thoughts around back onto ourselves. We’d much rather project out what we need to reflect on within. Third, and the last type of result, is that your result is further evidence of your thought. If you are feeling upset and thinking, “My partner doesn’t even care about me.” You then run this thought on a loop through the model, seeking out evidence each time that confirms it true, strengthening it and becoming even more convicted in the belief she doesn’t care. Thus, believing it even more deeply.
There you have it, folks. I hope you try to implement this self coaching model into your life, today. I hope you clear up some space in your mind, relieve some mental suffering, and start going after your big dreams. I hope you start leading by example for all of your loved ones, showing them that caring for your own mental health first, is the best thing you can do for the quality of your relationships.
Love.
