Pandemic Feelings
Photo by Edwin Hooper
4/2/20
Tonight feels a little lonely.
I’m feeling a little anxious and doubtful.
It’s definitely my old patterns resurfacing.
It’s unhealthy attachment trying to come in and take control.
But it’s also just pandemic feelings.
I have all this open time.
Open schedule.
Open space.
And I’m paralyzed when I try to think of how to fill it.
A part of me just wants this time to pass.
I want to get through it fast and make it to the other side.
With a schedule, socialization, fitness.
As opposed to being stuck in a house.
I don’t want to fall into my trauma conditioning and forget all the work I’ve put in on myself.
After one month, I don’t know what any of the answers are.
I’m trying to be very gentle with myself.
Not put myself under unrealistic pressure to achieve greatness during this time when it feels like I’m in unnavigable waters.
I’m just wading in rough seas trying to decide my next move while also not trying to exhaust myself wading.
It’s uncharted.
I’m posting essays, reading ACIM, getting a new normal with working out at home, I’m still meditating and playing piano and of course walking sunnie—
AND YET I STILL FEEL QUITE WORTHLESS, QUITE LOST, QUITE AFRAID.
The grocery store has become this bittersweet event with excitement around getting out of the house.
I want so badly to be more skilled in my spirituality/faith during this time.
Find a way to experience bliss during all of this.
Envision my future and the world’s future as safe, healthy, thriving, and successful.
I want to do more. Contribute time, money, or inspiration where it is needed.
I want to step out of fear & doubt & anxiety & separation and be a clear channel of energy.
Find a way to align with the greater good.
God help me do this.
Help me find this path.
I know it’s there.
I know it exists.
I know the truth has always been searching for me just as I have been searching for it.
