Body & Appearance
Photo by Inge Poelman
8/4/22
I just had my call with my coach.
I have been caught in a cycle of comparing my body & appearance with others and then feeling unworthy, insecure, and out of place within myself.
I look through other’s eyes back at myself.
I make that image very grim and cruel.
I assume everyone’s judging me.
But I am the only one judging me.
I assume they see straight through me, into the objective truth of my insecurities.
I assume I am damaged and all hope is lost.
I feel ashamed and embarrassed.
I want to escape my own body.
I want to avoid it, punish it, change it, manipulate it, and threaten it.
I want to trade it, exchange it, control it.
I want to do everything but love it.
My dry, red skin, bumps, dark prickly hairs, wrinkles, lines and stretch marks.
The way my bones feels sensitive, weak, breakable.
My muscles atrophy and wane.
Tension fills my shoulders, my legs thunder and chafe.
I look on all that could be wrong and overlook all of my health.
I don’t find anything to be grateful for or pleased with.
And with this lack of appreciation I am kept from any kind of emotional freedom in my skin.
I’ve decided my entire apparatus is a mistake instead of a miracle.
A flaw instead of a haven, an oasis, a home.
My body is my home.
The upkeep has not been kept.
It’s less about upkeep and so much more about my attitude towards it.
I am the unique size and shape that I am.
When my eyes look down at what’s underneath me, I sulk and start to frown.
I only see fear.
I don’t see all the ways my body has carried me, helped me, loved me.
I don’t see all it has done for me.
I care more about trying to forget it than I do trying to learn how to love it.
How to treat it well, communicate with it, better serve it, learn how to listen to it, and see it clearly.
I have really hurt my body…said some really mean things.
I can’t see truth when I’m blinded by this illusion.
All this time, my body has told me the truth; miraculously healed me when I willed against it.
It’s always served my best interests, it’s guided and protected me as if it was connected to God.
The simple fact is, my body is brilliant.
The best friend I could ever have.
I want to see it, hear it, and understand it better.
I’ll be with her until the end.
